CHAPTER FOUR - GOODBYE.

“I just had to see you... please... don’t be mad.” I could hear the voice in my head but the words caught in my throat. I just stood there in front of you. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what else to say. I shivered a little in the cold night air. You took a step towards me and ever so slowly, gently, without a word, you put your arms around me and pulled me close. You felt so good in my arms. Warm. Soft. Safe - as you should be. All at once, everything was right with the world. And though we couldn’t see them, I could tell the angels were smiling down on us. We were one. You placed your head on my chest, and I could feel the soft rhythm of our hearts and the warmth of our breaths, echoing in the stillness. A moment in time, perfectly frozen, captured for all eternity. There we stood. Alone. Not a soul in sight, rooted to the cracked pavement outside your house, bathed in the dim ochreous glow of the flickering street lamp. Our shadows gently swaying to the wistful descant in our hearts, even as we stood still, silent, melting into each other.

So many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you. How empty my life would be without you. How you meant the world to me. The touch of your skin, the scent of your hair, your gentle smile, your lilting laugh, the way you wrinkled your nose and pursed your lips when you couldn’t stay mad at me, your little squirrel kisses and most of all... the way you felt in my arms.

But we just stood there... in silence. I didn’t dare say a word, didn’t want to break the spell. It was perfect. I didn’t want the moment to end.

But it did.

You looked up at me and with a weak smile, whispered,”Take care of yourself.” With that you turned and walked past the gate, into your home, closing the door behind you, never looking back.

Tweetybird came scampering up to the gate, wagging her tail, looking up at me. I knelt down and she licked my face, her droopy eyes gazing deep into my soul, whimpering mournfully. Somehow she knew. We would never see each other again. I finally found my voice, and hugging her, I whispered what I knew all along I needed to say but just couldn’t bring myself to:

“Goodbye.”

copyright 2012 blackcherry media

CHAPTER THREE - A LYRICAL LIFE

This story's over

I'm fading from view

God I've tried so hard

But I can't hold on to you

Things I should have told you

In the time we had left

Would it make a difference now

Its anyone's guess

Shards of broken glass

Scattered 'cross the floor

Careful where you step

On your way out the door

You've got me on my knees

Collecting all the pieces

Tryin to put back together

The love we had between us

Can't we even talk?

Lost each other's sound

Slippin' thru our fingers

It shatters to the ground

"Its over, let it go"

Chants the voice of reason

Hope is what I cling to

Someday you'll return...

Lyrics and vocals - Kula

Chanteuse - Lily Ann

Guitar - Donovan Ashley

Bass - Faizal Rashid

Drums - (the late great) Kevin Corey

Copyright 2011 Blackcherry Media

I see you smile everytime I close my eyes

Even though I know you're gone

I cherish the love that we made together

Each time we touch...

you disappear

The scent of you lingers sweetly in the air

My arms ache to hold you so tight

Hollow and cold

your voice echoes in my head

This silent room, this empty bed

And I know I'm not the first to be trapped within this curse

haunted by the GHOST of your love

And I pray that you were here

I have nothing left to fear

Haunted by the GHOST of your love

Can you see me cry?

Or does the darkness blind you

I wonder if you can feel my pain

Traces of you haunt me night and day

Why did you have to go away?

But life still goes on and time is all I have

to carry on without your love

Do you think of me?

Do the memories all die?

Perhaps one day

my GHOST will fly...

Lyrics, Vocals: Kula
Chanteuse: Jamie Lea
Guitar: Matt Almonte
Bass: Faizal Rashid
Drums: (the late great) Kevin Corey

Copyright 2011 Blackcherry Media

This world can be so cold
when you know nobody loves you
This life can be so cruel
when the one you love says "we're thru"
I guess I should have known
good things they never last
But am I to spend the rest of my days
just living in the past?

This was your idea
You wanted to move on
In life everything changes
all things die as sure as they're born
You found somebody new
Now that didn't take long
Whatever makes you happy
I'll pretend to play along
Memories are a movie that keeps playing in my head
across the silver bridge between the living and the dead
All things are possible,
no nothing need ever be said
Come lie beside me, my love...
In Morpheus' Bed

I can still hear you laugh
Inhale the scent of your hair
Feel the caress of your skin
even if you're no longer there
You're living in another world
one in which I don't exist
But as I lay me down to sleep
I'll find you waiting with a kiss...

Lyrics and vocals - Kula

Guitar - Donovan Ashley

Tabla - Mani Nadaraj

Copyright 2011 Blackcherry Media

You can run but you cannot hide
From those feelings that you lock inside
Let it go, let it go
Tick tick bang, she's gonna blow
Defuse the guilt, just let your feelings show
Let it show, let it show

We all make mistakes
But wounds they always heal
Give it time that's all it's gonna take
Forget what they say
True love it never dies
Pride is all that's standing in the way

All those days that you kept pretending
Replace the love and fake a happy ending
Breathe a sigh, breathe a sigh
And when darkness it is all around you
Love shines bright that it almost blinds you
Close your eyes, close your eyes

Lyrics and vocals - Kula

Guitar - Donovan Ashley

Bass - Faizal Rashid

Drums - (the late great) Kevin Corey

Copyright 2011 Blackcherry Media

CHAPTER TWO "TEDDY BEARS HAVE SOULS"

© 2011 Blackcherry Media/ Ramesh Kula

CHAPTER ONE "THE ONE"

“I love you.”

Those were her last three words to you. An ingenious literary trope for: “It’s over, goodbye.” And with that, you’re supposed to close the chapter on six long years. No guilt. No pain. No regrets. No looking back... especially no looking back. Get her out of your head and out of your life. Move on. You’ve got to move on. Don’t think about her. It’s just a bleeding waste of time. No, that’s for losers. And you’re not a loser. Just get on with your life. How hard can it be? Just don’t think about her.

Don’t think about how you met her for the first time. You were seated at the piano with her brother in their home when she walked in the door with her then boyfriend. Your eyes met. And she smiled. And she laughed and told you how she thought you were a girl ‘cause of your tousled mane and “girly” features. And you smiled sheepishly.

Don’t think about the night you sat by the river as she leaned on your shoulder and cried about breaking up with her boyfriend. How you hugged her and told her everything would be alright. And how it hurt to see her walk away without telling her how you really felt.

Don’t think about your first date. How you surprised her with a trishaw ride through town. How she giggled like a schoolgirl as she held on tightly to your arm as she tried in vain to ignore the wild stares from passers-by.

Don’t think about the night the circus came to town and amidst clowns and costumed performers you both blithely sipped wine and nibbled on popcorn. Or the night at Mariah Carey’s concert where at the end of the last song the confetti canon rained down glitter and it looked like a thousand stars were falling... and you kissed.

Don’t think about the first night you made love. You awoke to find that you had been holding hands all through the night – even as you slept! Don’t think about the noisy “squirrel” kisses you shared as she crinkled her nose and whispered: “Woof you, Rummybear.”

Don’t think about how warm and soft her body felt as you snuggled up against her in bed with only the soft glow emanating from the tv casting playful flickering shadows on the wall, silent but watchful. And how late at night you would sometimes softly serenade her to sleep.

Don’t think about the songs. Savage Garden. Nat King Cole. England Dan and John Ford Coley. Cliff Richard. Don’t think about going to the movies with her. Every Monday night. 9.30pm, final screening.

Don’t think about the day she surprised you with a collector’s edition Superman doll on your birthday! And you cried ‘cause you knew she had saved for months knowing you would never spend so much on yourself and she wanted to make your birthday special.

Don't think about the time you spent talking about everything and nothing, strolling languidly down gold incandescent streets, all but empty in the wee hours. There was no one else in the world. Your head clouded by a giddy rush of neurons, pheromones and adrenalin. Then in a moment of sheer impetuosity, she grabs your hand, pushes you in a cab and you ride all the way to the beach where she drags you into the water - fully clothed! Later as you lie on the beach, you catch her gazing into your eyes and you ask her what's on her mind. She whispers: "Now I know what our children's eyes will look like." And you hug her and never let her go. And right there you knew she was the one.

Don’t think about her scent. The intoxicating caress of lotion, soap and perfume. The way she got ready to go out fussing in front of the mirror. Deciding between her beige cotton sundress that showed off her tanned skin or her well-worn pair of maroon slacks . But for those special occasions always picking her favourite sequined piece she had custom tailored in Bangkok. She was oh so proud of that outfit.

Don’t think about the promises you made. The dreams you shared. A life you both wanted. But could never have. Nevermind the reason. Nevermind the blame.

Now after all these years a gulf as wide as infinity stretches between you and her. You stumble down a path that forks and divides to choices and lives and realities that tears you farther away from her. You exist separate, alone, drifting...

She’s out there somewhere and perhaps one day with a gentle nudge from the angels of serendipity she will find her way to this page... where she will find the words you never got to say:

“I love you.”

© 2011 Blackcherry Media/ Ramesh Kula